Back from Vacation…now I need one!

January 17th, 2010

Travelling with kids is just wonderful these days! JOKE! The fact is that this is the Ultimate Reality Show that Hollywood is missing! For some reason children find other children while standing in line and suddenly…. it’s a play date!

My two daughters Aviva and Tovah ages 8 and 7 spot an adorable little girl in line wearing the same “Hello Kitty” jacket they’re wearing. Obviously this means something that silly adults like me don’t know about. She’s obviously a member of this secret club because I’m immediately informed that this is their new “friend” and they begin to play. We will call the new friend Cutie Pie which is short for: Cutie Pie with a Runny Nose!

Cutie Pie is wiping her faucet running nose with both hands and my daughters have decided that this means…. nothing! They are all holding hands….TOGETHER! Such great joy as everyone decides how WONDERFUL it is to see the children play…. TOGETHER! “And they don’t even know each other!” her adoring grandmother wistfully quips as her mind goes into REWIND: Possibly thinking of how nice it was when kids played with each other and not video games.

I remember that time, too but unlike Grandma, my mind is going into FAST FORWARD! My mind is playing tricks on me as I prognosticate the inevitable: I see my kids lying sick in bed for 3 days missing school and me sick in bed for 3 weeks missing performances! It’s hard to make people laugh when you’re sneezing in their faces. I’ve obviously been through it.

So graciously (as a comedian can be!) I offer Cutie Pie a tissue and immediately her mom jumps into action: “She doesn’t need a tissue! It’s not a cold, it’s “ALLERGIES!” In a matter of fact fashion, she reassures me: “You can tell…. because “it’s” clear.”

Water is clear, too but I’m not about to share my bottle with a stranger. A name that is unrecognizable comes over the loudspeaker…here’s my chance: “Come on! That’s us! Sorry, we have to go now ….maybe we’ll see you, next time!” The goodbyes begin as I hurl my kids to the bathroom to wash their hands.

We make it to the gate. We’re safe. At least for now…And I’m back from Cancun! I’ll have more to tell my wonderful fans Love to all you all!

Get Ready for Saturday Night! If you’re a Scorpio….be careful!

November 13th, 2009

I refuse to read horoscopes again! This time it’s making me paranoid about this Saturday night. “Any occasion on this evening is something to be suspicious about and can end in a calamity for a Scorpion”….Great, I’m a Scorpion with a big show Saturday night and now I’m OBSESSING! What tragedy is going to happen to Scorpions on Saturday night! Don’t get married, be Bat-mitzvahed…don’t go out of the friggin’ house if you’re a Scorpion! I’m thinking of having a stand in go onstage for me at the Laugh Factory but my career, (what’s left of it!) is at stake! I’m a Scorpion, so is my husband and my daughter. We should all stay in and with my luck, I’ll fall in the tub!! That’s it! No more HORRORscopes for this November babe! Come on out and see me on Saturday night…let’s see what happens! If I fall onstage…we all knew it was coming. My horoscope told me! Love to all my fans!  Remember just laugh if I tumble across the stage and hey…it won’t be the first time!  I’m not reading any horoscopes for at least a week!  Maybe I’ll become a Gemini and then all my personalities can help me make decisions!  Love you all!   Sunda

SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MY NEIGHBOR!

November 8th, 2009

I live beneath a madwoman who NEVER sleeps!  My kids don’t sleep because she up all times of night and I can’t concentrate and get my column out on time due to the fact I CAN’T SLEEP!

After a complaint to the front desk, she sent me a ranting raving letter that I had to share an excerpt!

“I must take prescription medication to calm my nerves for stress and anxiety and your intrusion into the quiet sleep I was enjoying caused me to experience heart palpitation and exacerbated my anxiety condition”

I read into that line as:  This “wench” is crazy!  SHE IS ALWAYS MOVING FURNITURE! She’s not sleeping!  Here is the scary paragraph:

“We acknowledge that you are a world famous comedian and enjoy making disparaging remarks about others, including your mother in law.  We ask that you not make the contents of this letter the subject of your comedic routine to gain laughs from your audience at our expense.”

You, the audience, my readers…. enjoy the laughs…please!  At her expense!

Here’s the deal:  I’m from Jersey so we walk around in “slippers”, preferably fuzzy ones with bunny ears.  She’s from Iran and has the illusion that she is in a palace and wears clickity click high heels like she’s going to the King’s Ball.  We are clearly different but…Jersey girls don’t back off and I’m getting ready to let it roll!

Clickity Click neighbor started with “furniture moving” at 6:11 AM today.  This is a crazy day for me.  Both daughters have gymnastic competitions AND it’s Tovah’s 7th birthday party.  I ask her what she wants for her birthday and she tells me she wishes “Grandma could be here.”  ”But she can’t!” (I think in my best Bette Davis impersonation) Because…. she is suing your mommy for making mother in law jokes!

Between “Balloon Boy”,  my mother in law and Clickity Click upstairs, I think it’s time for me to take a vacation from the madness.  I’d LOVE to go to Israel…one of the few places where I slept like a baby!  Nothing bothered me and my friends from Jersey were totally freaked out!  They were saying things like:  It’s DANGEROUS over there.  WRONG!  It’s dangerous driving down the New Jersey Turnpike!  I love Israel and can’t wait to go back.  The last time I was there I went to an Arab bazaar and got into a fight with a dude who ripped me off on my tee shirt deal.  He told me three for $10.00 US and packed only two in my bag.  I came back after him the next day, my husband told me I was crazy.  I may be but I got my third tee shirt because I’m that compelling!  Hopefully, so compelling you will come back and read my blog again and have patience as it’s so hard to get anything done with the kids competitions, their dance and voice classes and of course, my legal issues with my loving in-laws.

Now if any of you guys have any suggestions about this luna-chick who lives upstairs from me, please send them in.  I’m open to all suggestions. The WORST part of the letter is that she asked me not to talk to her when I see her.   NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO HER!  Her breath is so bad, the hair stands up on my lip when she says  ”Hello!”   G-d give me strength! Don’t let her say ANYTHING with the letter H!  Hummus included!

BTW, she warned me that if I use her in my Act, she’ll take “Action”.  If she wants to sue, she better get in line:  behind my brother-in-law, my mother in law and my sister in law!  Line ’em up!

Remember to tune into Virtual Jerusalem.com and read my column there.  Sometimes it’s the same as my blog but hey….a sistah gotta save some time to get her hair “did”!  Love to you, all!

You gotta be kidding me!

October 17th, 2009

THANK G-D HE WASN’T JEWISH!

Now we have the ‘Balloon Boy”, Falcon Heene  thought to be “missing” falling out of his dad’s flying saucer.

Knowing this family for many years, I thought to myself, this could be true!

Falcon and Tovah (my youngest) shared lots of time together in their early years.  Falcon’s mom, Myumi was an excellent editor at MY YOU ME Productions here in Los Angeles.

First of all, I thought it was TOTALLY possible that Falcon went into the contraption.  My oldest, Aviva would’ve jumped into that thing in a heartbeat!  Some call her “adventurous.”  I’d call her dangerous but I try to use euphemisms. Aviva was doing cartwheels and flips at 14 months.  She couldn’t even talk!  At 17 months, she flipped off my bed, got a concussion and lost consciousness while I was 8 months pregnant with Tovah!

Rushed to the hospital by ambulance, everyone in my building was screaming:  ”She’s having the baby! The baby is coming!” The baby was NOT coming but Aviva WAS going to UCLA!   Thank G-d she was fine AND still flipping!  I say all this to say that kids do the craziest things.

I was sick to my stomach when I thought that little boy had fallen out of the balloon.

I lost an entire day over this Balloon Boy madness.  I couldn’t go on with my day. I was hysterical.  I couldn’t even get this article out on time!   I was distraught because I knew I had to let Tovah know about this when she came home from school and it wouldn’t be easy.  Imagine:  She’s only six and has already seen enough:  Her mom has been on TV with her grandma, suing her mom over…. JOKES and now her friend she hasn’t seen in a while is thought to be in a FLYING SAUCER that his dad made?  OY BOY!  You just can’t make this up.

Let’s take a moment to pray for this family.  This is a mess. These kids obviously are under a lot of stress.  The poor kid barfed on national television during an interview!  (Note:  Meredith Viera didn’t bat an eyelash!)

The world thinks it’s a hoax and part of it could be but I do think the parents believed the kid was in the contraption.  But hey, you wouldn’t leave an oven door open with kids running around would you?

You have to PAY ATTENTION!

After Madoff, the Syrian organ-harvesting Rabbis from New Jersey and my mother in law suing me this year…. I want to say!  THANK  G-D RICHARD HEENE IS NOT JEWISH!!!!  My grandmother, Eva Brown (may she rest in peace) would say, “THANK G-D HE’S NOT COLORED!”  Jews and Blacks.  More in common than the world knows. Both: Definitely NOT into “Flying Saucers”.

Feels good, the heat is off of “US” for a minute!

Back to School!

September 5th, 2009

First of all, thank you…all of you for your support and nice and not so nice comments. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and let’s state for the record that it would be impossible for me to hate my M.I.L. as she is the grandmother of my children. Not all publicity is good publicity and I’d rather my kids have a nice relationship with my husband’s family as opposed to what’s gone down.

It’s done.

It is what it is and I didn’t ask for it so…..think twice before you sue someone….it’s been a rough ride and my kids deserve better. More important things are going on in life so as I’ve said before…let’s move on. Let’s talk about something else like…..

SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! This is the worst thing anyone has to shop for on Labor Day weekend! With this hurricane going on in my life I forgot to buy Fisker scissors! This is a certain type of scissor my kid’s school has requested ….I guess they don’t want any “shanking” going on! Frankly, I consider crochet needles weapons as well….but I’m from a “different” part of the world. Speaking of Paterson, NJ…I just heard that they are now campaigning for men to pull up their pants and stop “sagging”. $10,000.00 is going into this campaign…how about putting that money into after school programs so kids don’t get shot on the streets? I could care less what these people are wearing but the money has to be spent in the right places. I don’t think there is anything attractive about the crack of a guy’s tushie to be perfectly honest with you but then again, my husband is hairy….oops! Too much information…he may sue me.

Okay, back to the “saggers”…guys…EX-CONS wear saggy pants..remember that. It’s not hip, it’s stupid and reflects real negative images so let’s try to get our youths to see something positive. NOBODY wants to see your underwear, especially if the elastic is coming apart and to the ladies….don’t even THINK of dating a dude who dares to wear his booty in public…maybe he’s not for you…don’t give in. Make guys be gentlemen, again! Sure, growing up I liked the tough guys, too but THESE punks are corny…they can’t even fist fight, they have to pull a trigger.

Think again before you buy your pants several sizes larger. Look what happened in Paterson? Now there’s a CURFEW! You can’t be on the street after midnight! There goes the neighborhood and we did it so pull up our pants, put away the guns and start fresh.

Paterson was a good town and still is…let’s bring it back! Don’t know how I got from my lawsuit to saving Paterson but damn! Just visited and my kids were like “why are there holes in all the windows?” I’m thinking…’cause these boys can’t even shoot straight!

I’m just keepin’ it real …if you don’t like it, please don’t sue me…I’m already busy….by the way, say a prayer that this all goes away…can’t take one more old lady waving a cane at me screaming “How could you do this to your Mother in Law!???” Trust me, my mother in law can handle herself and if one more widower asks me if she’s available I’m going to SCREAM! She’s suing me and men are telling me…ME…how attractive she is!

She is attractive but I’m not in the match-making mode so please stop asking me about her “availability.” In Services today, a gentleman told me he was sorry what we were going through and that he thought she looked nice and was attractive. My feet are killing me, I’m humiliated by the lawsuit, my kids have cookie crumbs on me and I’m holding their dolls AND I’ve got a dude trying to pick up my mother in law via…. me….DEFENDANT!

And the beat goes on……..

Downtown…summer in the city!

August 10th, 2009

New York has changed! It’s stressful now that it is cleaned up! I miss the crackheads and chicks trippin’ over their heels. Now the Village is a real destination point and I don’t know if I can handle it! My kids are in camp here and my heels are killing me from all the walking! I never thought I’d say it but here it is: I miss LA! Not the plastic, not the phoniness…..I miss the CONVENIENCE! I wanna hop in my car and drive and not listen to these cab drivers talking on their cell phones every block! More to say but not enough time….that’s the other thing! I’m always out of time! Gotta run…breakfast and then a dental appointment…let him do the cleaning! JOKE! I better watch it before he sues me!

Enjoy your summer and LA I’ll be back, soon!

Showtime!

July 8th, 2009

Well the National Enquirer issue came out and yes…..some parts are true some are not.

Fact:

My Mother in Law, sister in law and brother in law are suing me for my act. Does my mother in law want to? Doubt it….We’ve had our moments but we don’t hate each other.

To all my fans and friends….hey, didn’t know that it would affect all of you like that. I’m having a Sally Fields moment…”You really love me!” Don’t let it get you down. More important things are coming your way…for example: Stay tuned to the “Raging Jews of Comedy” produced by Joel Marks. We are coming to a city near you and you better believe I got some new jokes for ya!

Didja here the one about the in-laws suing a daughter in law for a knock knock joke? Well, I’m sure you will.

I love you all and will see you next week at the Laugh Factory as I’l be in Grenada Hills this weekend…

Give peace a chance and let’s try to live in a world of tolerance. OY! It’s enough already!

“Hot Fun in the Summertime!”

June 21st, 2009

So glad school is out! It’s NOT that I don’t love the Moms in my kids school but honestly…they talk a lot! My time is so limited and they’ve got so much time! Everyone wants to know when I’m having another baby. Why oh WHY would I do something like that? It took (honestly!) 4 years for me to get my body to look like this. It has not been easy. I don’t know how these women do it in a year…and when I say do IT, i mean…where people say “YOU have two kids?” Of course they have no idea that on my tushie there are stretch marks that look like a map of South East Asia! JOKE! (Should I sue myself for that joke?)

I hate working out. I hate it! My trainer is wonderful and her name is Vita. Vita helped my husband lose 100 lbs. She is very motivating and beautiful as well. You look at her body and you’re like,,,, hey…..I wanna look like THAT!

I made a mistake with her, once. I was talking to her in Spanish and she seemed insulted. I said …”what’s the problem?” She said : “I don’t speak Spanish!….why would you even THINK I was Spanish?” I told her: “Frankly, I thought you were a Mexican because you shaved OFF your eyebrows and had drawn them back ON!” I mean come on….who ELSE does that?! Anyway sit down for this one: She tells me: “I’m not Mexican…I’m Vietnamese and Italian.” I didn’t see THAT coming!

This is the dawning of the Age of Obama! EVERYBODY is mixed! Listen, if you haven’t done it…do it! Marry out of the box and have a mixed kid! It’s the RAVE! Just kidding….NOW it’s cool but back in the “day”…OMG! Not so nice….people always wanted me to take “sides”. I’m Black and I’m White. I clearly don’t look all White and I clearly don’t look all Black! It’s obvious that I am 100% PUERTO RICAN! i know it’s in my act but it’s funny how SO many people in Jersey think that I really am PUERTO RICAN!

All I can say is I’ve learned to embrace who I am and what I am. Took some time….remember, I have a Militant Uncle (Yes, Uncle Junie Boy!) who I grew up with who taught me not to trust the “Man”. The “Honky” was the Enemy…. (and no, My Uncle Junie Boy is NOT suing me for using him in my Act!) I’ve grown up with racism on both sides of the coin and ended up being a rather observant Conservative Jew. Go figure!

Life’s like that. You grow up, meet the man of your dreams who gives you everything you can ask for: A great life, two beautiful children, supportive of my Career and has a family… who SUES me! You take those lemons and make lemonade! To Patsy….you are right, I should have never stopped talking about the lawsuit but I did for the sake of my children.

I haven’t decided how I’m going to explain to them the situation because they are REALLY blended …remember: they are not like me. I had two Black Grandparents. They only have ONE(that would be my Mom) but they are so proud of having that heritage.

I let my Uncle Junie teach them what he wants to teach them. He doesn’t see them often but he definitely leaves an impression on them! They will and are going to have to live with the fact that they have a mom who is of “color” and people will say stupid things.

When Aviva was an infant, (she is CLEARLY from the Swedish side of my family! ) A white woman approached me in the park….she said my G-d her eyes are so blue and beautiful…and her hair! It’s blonde but it’s like gold!” I said: “Thank you” and kissed my baby…..She then added: “Have you been taking care of her for a long time? She really likes you!” I was stunned.

This woman thought I was the Nanny and I’m the MAMMY! I cooly responded: “Yes, I’ve had her since she was born”. “Well”, she said “She really likes you a lot and is obviously very used to you…you must spend a lot of time with her.”

I then covered Aviva with a blanket, opened my blouse and proceeded to breastfeed her. This woman almost passed out right in Holmby Park in Beverly Hills.

To this day, I don’t think she recovered.

That’s how I roll. You will never see me coming but trust me….I’m someone that doesn’t sit down and take abuse so for the “Haters” out there….buckle your seatbelts….I’m a stunt driver! To all my adoring fans…don’t worry…it’s okay and trust me…after all is said and done this lawsuit against me is a GOOD thing that happened.

Yes, to see my name in legal documents on search engines being brought to my attention by people(all over the world!) is indeed an interesting facet of my life. Something I’ve never dealt with before. At first I was shocked, then I was very saddened when people from my Temple were offering to try to mediate, talk about it, things like that.

There is nothing to talk about. If you sue a family member it’s evident what is going on. My advice: Don’t hate the Player…. hate the Game.

Attacking my career and taking food out of the mouths of my children is basically what’s going on here.

SUE YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW!!!? SUE your BROTHER’S WIFE? I have never even thought of doing anything like that to a family member. Suing? Taking them to court? Nah…I don’t have the time or larceny in my heart to do that. I’d rather spend my time with my family and volunteer my services to Nursing Homes, hospitals, hospices and organizations to help people have a good time while they are living with Cancer or terminally ill with AIDS. I don’t have time to do evil. My time is for good and if I’ve outed anyone for being what they are….hey….I didn’t sue anyone. I’m just living and enjoying my life.

People have been so kind to me. My Kosher fans from La Gondola….what you all did for me on Saturday night was beyond words. Thanks you from my heart for being who you are. I love you for it and hope to be able to continue to do what you say I do best…give joy. My heart goes out to those “Plaintiffs” that are suing me. May G-d have mercy on your actions.

Pitiful.

Guess what? I’m Black, was Black when I married my husband and will die Black AND guess what else? He went Black…. and he ain’t goin’ back.

’nuff said.

Patsy: That one was for you! Yes, you’re right…they’re GLUED to the Blog! I love ya!
Sunda

We Miss You Johnny Sanchez!

June 14th, 2009

I know I promised you Johnny Sanchez but he got sick at the last minute and couldn’t make it to the Laugh Factory last night. It was a heavenly evening despite his absence with the exception of the Bachelorette Party that was in the FRONT row! Boobs were out, vomit was spewing in the bathroom…Dov Davidoff said it best to the bride to be: “Has the guy who’s marrying you ever MET you?” My advice to all brides to be….have fun at your bachelorette party but back off from the Tequila shots.

With the hangover you get…you won’t WANT to get married!

Still the girls were fun and her friends were very supportive and held her hand in the bathroom as she vomited.

Whoever said being a comedian was easy? You tell jokes, do blogs make people laugh and then you get sued and puked on.

I’m sticking with it! Best job in the world.

Will keep you posted but make sure you go to the Hyperion Theater tonight and check me out at 8:00.
1941 Hyperion Blvd
Silverlake, CA

Tonite is a Twitter Storytelling night. Boy….do I have a few stories to tell!

See you tonight!

We Missed You Johnny Sanchez!

June 14th, 2009

I know I promised you Johnny Sanchez but he got sick at the last minute and couldn’t make it to the Laugh Factory last night. It was a heavenly evening despite his absence with the exception of the Bachelorette Party that was in the FRONT row! Boobs were out, vomit was spewing in the bathroom…Dov Davidoff said it best to the bride to be: “Has the guy who’s marrying you ever MET you?” My advice to all brides to be….have fun at your bachelorette party but back off from the Tequila shots.

With the hangover you get…you won’t WANT to get married!

Still the girls were fun and her friends were very supportive and held her hand in the bathroom as she vomited.

Whoever said being a comedian was easy? You tell jokes, do blogs make people laugh and then you get sued and puked on.

I’m sticking with it! Best job in the world.

Will keep you posted but make sure you go to the Hyperion Theater tonight and check me out at 8:00.
1941 Hyperion Blvd
Silverlake, CA

Tonite is a Twitter Storytelling night. Boy….do I have a few stories to tell!

See you tonight!