THANK G-D HE WASN’T JEWISH!

Now we have the ‘Balloon Boy”, Falcon Heene  thought to be “missing” falling out of his dad’s flying saucer.

Knowing this family for many years, I thought to myself, this could be true!

Falcon and Tovah (my youngest) shared lots of time together in their early years.  Falcon’s mom, Myumi was an excellent editor at MY YOU ME Productions here in Los Angeles.

First of all, I thought it was TOTALLY possible that Falcon went into the contraption.  My oldest, Aviva would’ve jumped into that thing in a heartbeat!  Some call her “adventurous.”  I’d call her dangerous but I try to use euphemisms. Aviva was doing cartwheels and flips at 14 months.  She couldn’t even talk!  At 17 months, she flipped off my bed, got a concussion and lost consciousness while I was 8 months pregnant with Tovah!

Rushed to the hospital by ambulance, everyone in my building was screaming:  ”She’s having the baby! The baby is coming!” The baby was NOT coming but Aviva WAS going to UCLA!   Thank G-d she was fine AND still flipping!  I say all this to say that kids do the craziest things.

I was sick to my stomach when I thought that little boy had fallen out of the balloon.

I lost an entire day over this Balloon Boy madness.  I couldn’t go on with my day. I was hysterical.  I couldn’t even get this article out on time!   I was distraught because I knew I had to let Tovah know about this when she came home from school and it wouldn’t be easy.  Imagine:  She’s only six and has already seen enough:  Her mom has been on TV with her grandma, suing her mom over…. JOKES and now her friend she hasn’t seen in a while is thought to be in a FLYING SAUCER that his dad made?  OY BOY!  You just can’t make this up.

Let’s take a moment to pray for this family.  This is a mess. These kids obviously are under a lot of stress.  The poor kid barfed on national television during an interview!  (Note:  Meredith Viera didn’t bat an eyelash!)

The world thinks it’s a hoax and part of it could be but I do think the parents believed the kid was in the contraption.  But hey, you wouldn’t leave an oven door open with kids running around would you?

You have to PAY ATTENTION!

After Madoff, the Syrian organ-harvesting Rabbis from New Jersey and my mother in law suing me this year…. I want to say!  THANK  G-D RICHARD HEENE IS NOT JEWISH!!!!  My grandmother, Eva Brown (may she rest in peace) would say, “THANK G-D HE’S NOT COLORED!”  Jews and Blacks.  More in common than the world knows. Both: Definitely NOT into “Flying Saucers”.

Feels good, the heat is off of “US” for a minute!

First of all, thank you…all of you for your support and nice and not so nice comments. Everyone is entitled to an opinion and let’s state for the record that it would be impossible for me to hate my M.I.L. as she is the grandmother of my children. Not all publicity is good publicity and I’d rather my kids have a nice relationship with my husband’s family as opposed to what’s gone down.

It’s done.

It is what it is and I didn’t ask for it so…..think twice before you sue someone….it’s been a rough ride and my kids deserve better. More important things are going on in life so as I’ve said before…let’s move on. Let’s talk about something else like…..

SCHOOL SUPPLIES!!! This is the worst thing anyone has to shop for on Labor Day weekend! With this hurricane going on in my life I forgot to buy Fisker scissors! This is a certain type of scissor my kid’s school has requested ….I guess they don’t want any “shanking” going on! Frankly, I consider crochet needles weapons as well….but I’m from a “different” part of the world. Speaking of Paterson, NJ…I just heard that they are now campaigning for men to pull up their pants and stop “sagging”. $10,000.00 is going into this campaign…how about putting that money into after school programs so kids don’t get shot on the streets? I could care less what these people are wearing but the money has to be spent in the right places. I don’t think there is anything attractive about the crack of a guy’s tushie to be perfectly honest with you but then again, my husband is hairy….oops! Too much information…he may sue me.

Okay, back to the “saggers”…guys…EX-CONS wear saggy pants..remember that. It’s not hip, it’s stupid and reflects real negative images so let’s try to get our youths to see something positive. NOBODY wants to see your underwear, especially if the elastic is coming apart and to the ladies….don’t even THINK of dating a dude who dares to wear his booty in public…maybe he’s not for you…don’t give in. Make guys be gentlemen, again! Sure, growing up I liked the tough guys, too but THESE punks are corny…they can’t even fist fight, they have to pull a trigger.

Think again before you buy your pants several sizes larger. Look what happened in Paterson? Now there’s a CURFEW! You can’t be on the street after midnight! There goes the neighborhood and we did it so pull up our pants, put away the guns and start fresh.

Paterson was a good town and still is…let’s bring it back! Don’t know how I got from my lawsuit to saving Paterson but damn! Just visited and my kids were like “why are there holes in all the windows?” I’m thinking…’cause these boys can’t even shoot straight!

I’m just keepin’ it real …if you don’t like it, please don’t sue me…I’m already busy….by the way, say a prayer that this all goes away…can’t take one more old lady waving a cane at me screaming “How could you do this to your Mother in Law!???” Trust me, my mother in law can handle herself and if one more widower asks me if she’s available I’m going to SCREAM! She’s suing me and men are telling me…ME…how attractive she is!

She is attractive but I’m not in the match-making mode so please stop asking me about her “availability.” In Services today, a gentleman told me he was sorry what we were going through and that he thought she looked nice and was attractive. My feet are killing me, I’m humiliated by the lawsuit, my kids have cookie crumbs on me and I’m holding their dolls AND I’ve got a dude trying to pick up my mother in law via…. me….DEFENDANT!

And the beat goes on……..

New York has changed! It’s stressful now that it is cleaned up! I miss the crackheads and chicks trippin’ over their heels. Now the Village is a real destination point and I don’t know if I can handle it! My kids are in camp here and my heels are killing me from all the walking! I never thought I’d say it but here it is: I miss LA! Not the plastic, not the phoniness…..I miss the CONVENIENCE! I wanna hop in my car and drive and not listen to these cab drivers talking on their cell phones every block! More to say but not enough time….that’s the other thing! I’m always out of time! Gotta run…breakfast and then a dental appointment…let him do the cleaning! JOKE! I better watch it before he sues me!

Enjoy your summer and LA I’ll be back, soon!

Well the National Enquirer issue came out and yes…..some parts are true some are not.

Fact:

My Mother in Law, sister in law and brother in law are suing me for my act. Does my mother in law want to? Doubt it….We’ve had our moments but we don’t hate each other.

To all my fans and friends….hey, didn’t know that it would affect all of you like that. I’m having a Sally Fields moment…”You really love me!” Don’t let it get you down. More important things are coming your way…for example: Stay tuned to the “Raging Jews of Comedy” produced by Joel Marks. We are coming to a city near you and you better believe I got some new jokes for ya!

Didja here the one about the in-laws suing a daughter in law for a knock knock joke? Well, I’m sure you will.

I love you all and will see you next week at the Laugh Factory as I’l be in Grenada Hills this weekend…

Give peace a chance and let’s try to live in a world of tolerance. OY! It’s enough already!

So glad school is out! It’s NOT that I don’t love the Moms in my kids school but honestly…they talk a lot! My time is so limited and they’ve got so much time! Everyone wants to know when I’m having another baby. Why oh WHY would I do something like that? It took (honestly!) 4 years for me to get my body to look like this. It has not been easy. I don’t know how these women do it in a year…and when I say do IT, i mean…where people say “YOU have two kids?” Of course they have no idea that on my tushie there are stretch marks that look like a map of South East Asia! JOKE! (Should I sue myself for that joke?)

I hate working out. I hate it! My trainer is wonderful and her name is Vita. Vita helped my husband lose 100 lbs. She is very motivating and beautiful as well. You look at her body and you’re like,,,, hey…..I wanna look like THAT!

I made a mistake with her, once. I was talking to her in Spanish and she seemed insulted. I said …”what’s the problem?” She said : “I don’t speak Spanish!….why would you even THINK I was Spanish?” I told her: “Frankly, I thought you were a Mexican because you shaved OFF your eyebrows and had drawn them back ON!” I mean come on….who ELSE does that?! Anyway sit down for this one: She tells me: “I’m not Mexican…I’m Vietnamese and Italian.” I didn’t see THAT coming!

This is the dawning of the Age of Obama! EVERYBODY is mixed! Listen, if you haven’t done it…do it! Marry out of the box and have a mixed kid! It’s the RAVE! Just kidding….NOW it’s cool but back in the “day”…OMG! Not so nice….people always wanted me to take “sides”. I’m Black and I’m White. I clearly don’t look all White and I clearly don’t look all Black! It’s obvious that I am 100% PUERTO RICAN! i know it’s in my act but it’s funny how SO many people in Jersey think that I really am PUERTO RICAN!

All I can say is I’ve learned to embrace who I am and what I am. Took some time….remember, I have a Militant Uncle (Yes, Uncle Junie Boy!) who I grew up with who taught me not to trust the “Man”. The “Honky” was the Enemy…. (and no, My Uncle Junie Boy is NOT suing me for using him in my Act!) I’ve grown up with racism on both sides of the coin and ended up being a rather observant Conservative Jew. Go figure!

Life’s like that. You grow up, meet the man of your dreams who gives you everything you can ask for: A great life, two beautiful children, supportive of my Career and has a family… who SUES me! You take those lemons and make lemonade! To Patsy….you are right, I should have never stopped talking about the lawsuit but I did for the sake of my children.

I haven’t decided how I’m going to explain to them the situation because they are REALLY blended …remember: they are not like me. I had two Black Grandparents. They only have ONE(that would be my Mom) but they are so proud of having that heritage.

I let my Uncle Junie teach them what he wants to teach them. He doesn’t see them often but he definitely leaves an impression on them! They will and are going to have to live with the fact that they have a mom who is of “color” and people will say stupid things.

When Aviva was an infant, (she is CLEARLY from the Swedish side of my family! ) A white woman approached me in the park….she said my G-d her eyes are so blue and beautiful…and her hair! It’s blonde but it’s like gold!” I said: “Thank you” and kissed my baby…..She then added: “Have you been taking care of her for a long time? She really likes you!” I was stunned.

This woman thought I was the Nanny and I’m the MAMMY! I cooly responded: “Yes, I’ve had her since she was born”. “Well”, she said “She really likes you a lot and is obviously very used to you…you must spend a lot of time with her.”

I then covered Aviva with a blanket, opened my blouse and proceeded to breastfeed her. This woman almost passed out right in Holmby Park in Beverly Hills.

To this day, I don’t think she recovered.

That’s how I roll. You will never see me coming but trust me….I’m someone that doesn’t sit down and take abuse so for the “Haters” out there….buckle your seatbelts….I’m a stunt driver! To all my adoring fans…don’t worry…it’s okay and trust me…after all is said and done this lawsuit against me is a GOOD thing that happened.

Yes, to see my name in legal documents on search engines being brought to my attention by people(all over the world!) is indeed an interesting facet of my life. Something I’ve never dealt with before. At first I was shocked, then I was very saddened when people from my Temple were offering to try to mediate, talk about it, things like that.

There is nothing to talk about. If you sue a family member it’s evident what is going on. My advice: Don’t hate the Player…. hate the Game.

Attacking my career and taking food out of the mouths of my children is basically what’s going on here.

SUE YOUR DAUGHTER IN LAW!!!? SUE your BROTHER’S WIFE? I have never even thought of doing anything like that to a family member. Suing? Taking them to court? Nah…I don’t have the time or larceny in my heart to do that. I’d rather spend my time with my family and volunteer my services to Nursing Homes, hospitals, hospices and organizations to help people have a good time while they are living with Cancer or terminally ill with AIDS. I don’t have time to do evil. My time is for good and if I’ve outed anyone for being what they are….hey….I didn’t sue anyone. I’m just living and enjoying my life.

People have been so kind to me. My Kosher fans from La Gondola….what you all did for me on Saturday night was beyond words. Thanks you from my heart for being who you are. I love you for it and hope to be able to continue to do what you say I do best…give joy. My heart goes out to those “Plaintiffs” that are suing me. May G-d have mercy on your actions.

Pitiful.

Guess what? I’m Black, was Black when I married my husband and will die Black AND guess what else? He went Black…. and he ain’t goin’ back.

’nuff said.

Patsy: That one was for you! Yes, you’re right…they’re GLUED to the Blog! I love ya!
Sunda

I know I promised you Johnny Sanchez but he got sick at the last minute and couldn’t make it to the Laugh Factory last night. It was a heavenly evening despite his absence with the exception of the Bachelorette Party that was in the FRONT row! Boobs were out, vomit was spewing in the bathroom…Dov Davidoff said it best to the bride to be: “Has the guy who’s marrying you ever MET you?” My advice to all brides to be….have fun at your bachelorette party but back off from the Tequila shots.

With the hangover you get…you won’t WANT to get married!

Still the girls were fun and her friends were very supportive and held her hand in the bathroom as she vomited.

Whoever said being a comedian was easy? You tell jokes, do blogs make people laugh and then you get sued and puked on.

I’m sticking with it! Best job in the world.

Will keep you posted but make sure you go to the Hyperion Theater tonight and check me out at 8:00.
1941 Hyperion Blvd
Silverlake, CA

Tonite is a Twitter Storytelling night. Boy….do I have a few stories to tell!

See you tonight!

I know I promised you Johnny Sanchez but he got sick at the last minute and couldn’t make it to the Laugh Factory last night. It was a heavenly evening despite his absence with the exception of the Bachelorette Party that was in the FRONT row! Boobs were out, vomit was spewing in the bathroom…Dov Davidoff said it best to the bride to be: “Has the guy who’s marrying you ever MET you?” My advice to all brides to be….have fun at your bachelorette party but back off from the Tequila shots.

With the hangover you get…you won’t WANT to get married!

Still the girls were fun and her friends were very supportive and held her hand in the bathroom as she vomited.

Whoever said being a comedian was easy? You tell jokes, do blogs make people laugh and then you get sued and puked on.

I’m sticking with it! Best job in the world.

Will keep you posted but make sure you go to the Hyperion Theater tonight and check me out at 8:00.
1941 Hyperion Blvd
Silverlake, CA

Tonite is a Twitter Storytelling night. Boy….do I have a few stories to tell!

See you tonight!

Hey, Guys….Fans, friends…all of you. Please understand that I am going through a very painful and difficult situation being sued by my in-laws. Although I am truly appreciative of all the concern you have….I’m sorry to say, you guys have to move on. I have.

YOU GUYS ARE WONDERFUL… but it’s done.

As far as the lawsuit is concerned: I KNOW I’M BEING SUED BY MY BROTHER, SISTER AND MOTHER IN LAW. I know! I know! I know!!!! TRUST ME I KNOW! DO NOT SEND ME ANY MORE LINKS WITH THE LAWSUIT ON IT…PLEASE.

so…with THAT being said….it’s wonderful that you care about me. It’s sad that it is happening, remember the only people who are really hurting are my baby girls so you have to stop writing to me about this. I can’t begin to tell you how sad this is. My children are so sad not knowing who their family is. Not ever knowing their cousins, and worse than that. Their grandmother, aunt and uncle is suing their mom.

Let’s not talk about this, refer to this on my website or any other account as the Plaintiffs are pathetically, constantly monitoring all that is being written so THAT is why I won’t elaborate…it doesn’t mean I don’t receive or respond to your e-mails/responses it’s just that legally, I can’t. To be honest with you,
I want to take this opportunity to say thanks…Thank you for caring.

It’s not every day a comedian is sued by their in-laws! Most people pick up a phone if they don’t like a joke. Let’s focus on the good things on life like my children’s shoe addiction…actually, I passed that on!!!

My kids will be spared a life of rejection! These last few years have been a MISERY but it is now over and I move on. My husband, children and I are now free. We all want to be “movin’ on up to the top!”

Speaking of moving on up…keep your eyes open for the Raging Jews of Comedy coming to a theater near you, soon!
Johnny Sanchez…we love you and will see you at the Laugh Factory! 8 PM show.

Be there!

I love you all…..Peace.

Sunda

My kids are getting ready for their dance recital with the Debbie Allen Dance Academy and are going to be signing with a new manager….pretty good for two kids under the age of 9! Time for them to get busy….it’s their turn!

I’ve decided to stop reading horoscopes….especially the ones that tell you what is going to happen in future months. I, being the sometimes superstitious comedian that I am have decided to rename it HORRORSCOPES!

“Horrorscopes” say November is THE worst time of the year to plan anything because of the negative position of the stars! I freaked out! It’s my daughter’s big day! November 8th is coming and she’s turning 7 but NOW…I’m so paranoid when it comes to Astrology that I’m not even giving my daughter a birthday party this November! In fact, we’re going to Disneyland! Not taking any chances! OK! So call me Nancy Reagan! She helped run the country!

What I WILL do is tell you that since it is a crazy month…get ready for the newest Kosher Comedy show in town….”Raging Jews of Comedy” produced by Joel Marks. I will keep you updated on our venues and dates in November for the West Coast. I’m very excited to be a part of the show and you will be glad, too!

Stay tuned and I’ll keep you posted!

PS: Yes, as per EVERYONE’s request…JOHNNY SANCHEZ WILL BE AT THE WORLD FAMOUS LAUGH FACTORY ON SUNDA’S SHOW 8:00on Saturday Night. Thank you for all your support, laughter and yes as always….my flowers!

Love…..from your favorite Diva of Comedy!

Sunda

Get ready everyone for the Debbie Allen Dance Acadamy’s dance recital! This will be a great event as my two princesses will be performing! Don’t get me wrong…there’s a few men in tights you wouldn’t want to miss, either! Definitely worth seeing! Please support and for tix please contact: 310/ 280-9145. There…it’s done! My kids can’t tell me I didn’t put it on my blog.

I’ll have more for you later….I promised the girls I would do this when I really would rather be talking about something else….and the beat goes on!

Love to all the parents tonite that are making this evening possible at Sinai for the teachers.

…Mahasti Joon….everyday should be Tabibzede! Hope you have fun.

Love to all.

s