Archive for September, 2010

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010


Okay, Iíve been busy…nuts in fact! School started which means playdates, homework and most important: PTA! Oh yeah, PTA is the mafia of schools and you have to be politically correct and ďdo the right thingĒ as we say in Jersey.

At the parents meeting I tried to hear what the Rabbi was saying, the President of the PTA was saying but all I could hear were what the moms were saying…on their cell phones! As a performer Iím well aware when people are talking during a speech but Iím also not capable of hearing over cell phones ringing and actual cell phone conversations! Iím deaf from having two little girls!

With THAT being said I return to my humble abode where I have neighbors who are possessed…by what? No answer.

Latest dwelling drama: A neighbor who lives in the maidís quarters and NOT with his parents intimidates people by dressing like a Cholo…but heís Persian and no, not Jewish. (THANK G-D!)

If you donít know what a ďCholoĒ is…take a trip downtown LA. I didnít expect this scene in my building on the lovely Wilshire Corridor! This guy is wearing a black ďdoo ragĒ, one sweatpants leg pulled up and drags his other leg like heís wearing a brace.

Obviously, a friend of mine as a neighbor asks me if I know him. WHY would I know HIM? Heís lurking, chain smoking in the pool area and Iím WATCHING this scene from my balcony and trust me…at 113 degrees I did consider going into the pool and getting my hair wet but… maybe not!

He doesnít talk. He stares and smokes. Our kind 1st floor neighbors invited us to Shabbat dinner for Sukkot and Iím thinking: Is there going to be a ďhitĒ? I receive complaints constantly about my kids, those lilí darlings! Biggest complaint is ďsplashingĒ in the pool. Odd…you canít splash on cement but thatís not the point, hereís the point: I canít be stressed out where I live! I have to write this column for Virtual Jerusalem or Iíll be fired! (Note to the editor?)

Iím supposed to RELAX here! Too bad I couldnít be at the Board Meeting. It was held Erev Rosh Hoshana! I propose the next big meeting should be on Christmas Eve. With the amount of Jews living in my building, I shouldnít be the only one speaking out.

But I am.

It’s 100 degrees and was thinking of getting my hair wet today but…I can’t be in the pool with my Middle Eastern Cholo. Call me CRAZY but I’m confused! In Jersey, Dominicans are converting to Islam and now a Muslim in my building is converting to ďCholoism!Ē

You canít make this up and I never do so find out more next week when you tune in to my Blog… never know!


Monday, September 6th, 2010

HELP!† Iím just getting adjusted to LA time, again after spending time in New York and suddenly it hits me:† ITíS ROSH HOSHANA!† Iím talking like…NOW!

Oh yeah, over the summer thatís all the moms talked about is how itís so early and how thatís a good thing, etc. etc.† Well that was a dream because the nightmare is coming quicker than Hurricane Earl!† I have a day trip to Disneyland tomorrow and all Iím thinking is HOW AM I GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?!!!† I have no time for Minnie and Mickey and if Minnie is Jewish, sheís stressing out as much as the rest of us!

Obviously my upstairs insomniac neighbor is prepared, sheís been dragging furniture all through the night and day so perhaps I should hire HER to get my house in order!

Women have such responsibilities that sometimes go unappreciated.† It really isnít that easy to get ready for such a big holiday right after summer vacation.† I still have sand in my shoes from Jersey and havenít unpacked and the anxiety has reached a whole new level:† IíM DREAMING of Rosh Hashanah mishaps!† Women reading this will know what Iím talking about…you put up the chicken and when you go to check on it, the oven isnít on.† You burn the brisket because you had the wrong range on high.† You forget to MAKE the matzo balls because you were concentrating so hard on getting the fat out of the chicken soup.† For Jewish women these dreams cause real anxiety!

Well, Iím done.† Iíll get through these next few days somehow, some way if someone letís me borrow their ďhoovesĒ because trust me, after walking through Disneyland, Iím going to need them to prepare for Yuntif!

My biggest challenge is that this year I got the ďgood newsĒ from my Temple that they are changing the High Holy Day Prayer books.† I just bought new ones LAST year! Iím hoping that the only change is in the font! Every year Iím convinced Iím going blind, as the print seems smaller and me being a three time Hebrew class dropout…Iím always behind everyone when we pray and of course, everybody always asks ME in the loudest whisper ďWHAT PAGE ARE WE ON?Ē

As much as I kvetch I look forward to spending time with my family and friends and of course can always count on those extra pounds, which I convince myself will ďevaporateĒ after Yom Kippur but there I go, dreaming again!

LíShana Tovah to all my fans and readers. † A healthy and sweet New Year to each and every one of you!† That reminds me…. I forgot to put honey on my grocery list!