Archive for November, 2009

Get Ready for Saturday Night! If you’re a Scorpio….be careful!

Friday, November 13th, 2009

I refuse to read horoscopes again! This time it’s making me paranoid about this Saturday night. “Any occasion on this evening is something to be suspicious about and can end in a calamity for a Scorpion”….Great, I’m a Scorpion with a big show Saturday night and now I’m OBSESSING! What tragedy is going to happen to Scorpions on Saturday night! Don’t get married, be Bat-mitzvahed…don’t go out of the friggin’ house if you’re a Scorpion! I’m thinking of having a stand in go onstage for me at the Laugh Factory but my career, (what’s left of it!) is at stake! I’m a Scorpion, so is my husband and my daughter. We should all stay in and with my luck, I’ll fall in the tub!! That’s it! No more HORRORscopes for this November babe! Come on out and see me on Saturday night…let’s see what happens! If I fall onstage…we all knew it was coming. My horoscope told me! Love to all my fans!  Remember just laugh if I tumble across the stage and hey…it won’t be the first time!  I’m not reading any horoscopes for at least a week!  Maybe I’ll become a Gemini and then all my personalities can help me make decisions!  Love you all!   Sunda


Sunday, November 8th, 2009

I live beneath a madwoman who NEVER sleeps!  My kids don’t sleep because she up all times of night and I can’t concentrate and get my column out on time due to the fact I CAN’T SLEEP!

After a complaint to the front desk, she sent me a ranting raving letter that I had to share an excerpt!

“I must take prescription medication to calm my nerves for stress and anxiety and your intrusion into the quiet sleep I was enjoying caused me to experience heart palpitation and exacerbated my anxiety condition”

I read into that line as:  This “wench” is crazy!  SHE IS ALWAYS MOVING FURNITURE! She’s not sleeping!  Here is the scary paragraph:

“We acknowledge that you are a world famous comedian and enjoy making disparaging remarks about others, including your mother in law.  We ask that you not make the contents of this letter the subject of your comedic routine to gain laughs from your audience at our expense.”

You, the audience, my readers…. enjoy the laughs…please!  At her expense!

Here’s the deal:  I’m from Jersey so we walk around in “slippers”, preferably fuzzy ones with bunny ears.  She’s from Iran and has the illusion that she is in a palace and wears clickity click high heels like she’s going to the King’s Ball.  We are clearly different but…Jersey girls don’t back off and I’m getting ready to let it roll!

Clickity Click neighbor started with “furniture moving” at 6:11 AM today.  This is a crazy day for me.  Both daughters have gymnastic competitions AND it’s Tovah’s 7th birthday party.  I ask her what she wants for her birthday and she tells me she wishes “Grandma could be here.”  ”But she can’t!” (I think in my best Bette Davis impersonation) Because…. she is suing your mommy for making mother in law jokes!

Between “Balloon Boy”,  my mother in law and Clickity Click upstairs, I think it’s time for me to take a vacation from the madness.  I’d LOVE to go to Israel…one of the few places where I slept like a baby!  Nothing bothered me and my friends from Jersey were totally freaked out!  They were saying things like:  It’s DANGEROUS over there.  WRONG!  It’s dangerous driving down the New Jersey Turnpike!  I love Israel and can’t wait to go back.  The last time I was there I went to an Arab bazaar and got into a fight with a dude who ripped me off on my tee shirt deal.  He told me three for $10.00 US and packed only two in my bag.  I came back after him the next day, my husband told me I was crazy.  I may be but I got my third tee shirt because I’m that compelling!  Hopefully, so compelling you will come back and read my blog again and have patience as it’s so hard to get anything done with the kids competitions, their dance and voice classes and of course, my legal issues with my loving in-laws.

Now if any of you guys have any suggestions about this luna-chick who lives upstairs from me, please send them in.  I’m open to all suggestions. The WORST part of the letter is that she asked me not to talk to her when I see her.   NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO HER!  Her breath is so bad, the hair stands up on my lip when she says  ”Hello!”   G-d give me strength! Don’t let her say ANYTHING with the letter H!  Hummus included!

BTW, she warned me that if I use her in my Act, she’ll take “Action”.  If she wants to sue, she better get in line:  behind my brother-in-law, my mother in law and my sister in law!  Line ’em up!

Remember to tune into Virtual and read my column there.  Sometimes it’s the same as my blog but hey….a sistah gotta save some time to get her hair “did”!  Love to you, all!