Archive for the ‘It’s All About Sunda’ Category

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

YOU CAN’T MAKE THIS STUFF UP!

Okay, I’ve been busy…nuts in fact! School started which means playdates, homework and most important: PTA! Oh yeah, PTA is the mafia of schools and you have to be politically correct and “do the right thing” as we say in Jersey.

At the parents meeting I tried to hear what the Rabbi was saying, the President of the PTA was saying but all I could hear were what the moms were saying…on their cell phones! As a performer I’m well aware when people are talking during a speech but I’m also not capable of hearing over cell phones ringing and actual cell phone conversations! I’m deaf from having two little girls!

With THAT being said I return to my humble abode where I have neighbors who are possessed…by what? No answer.

Latest dwelling drama: A neighbor who lives in the maid’s quarters and NOT with his parents intimidates people by dressing like a Cholo…but he’s Persian and no, not Jewish. (THANK G-D!)

If you don’t know what a “Cholo” is…take a trip downtown LA. I didn’t expect this scene in my building on the lovely Wilshire Corridor! This guy is wearing a black “doo rag”, one sweatpants leg pulled up and drags his other leg like he’s wearing a brace.

Obviously, a friend of mine as a neighbor asks me if I know him. WHY would I know HIM? He’s lurking, chain smoking in the pool area and I’m WATCHING this scene from my balcony and trust me…at 113 degrees I did consider going into the pool and getting my hair wet but… maybe not!

He doesn’t talk. He stares and smokes. Our kind 1st floor neighbors invited us to Shabbat dinner for Sukkot and I’m thinking: Is there going to be a “hit”? I receive complaints constantly about my kids, those lil’ darlings! Biggest complaint is “splashing” in the pool. Odd…you can’t splash on cement but that’s not the point, here’s the point: I can’t be stressed out where I live! I have to write this column for Virtual Jerusalem or I’ll be fired! (Note to the editor?)

I’m supposed to RELAX here! Too bad I couldn’t be at the Board Meeting. It was held Erev Rosh Hoshana! I propose the next big meeting should be on Christmas Eve. With the amount of Jews living in my building, I shouldn’t be the only one speaking out.

But I am.

It’s 100 degrees and was thinking of getting my hair wet today but…I can’t be in the pool with my Middle Eastern Cholo. Call me CRAZY but I’m confused! In Jersey, Dominicans are converting to Islam and now a Muslim in my building is converting to “Choloism!”

You can’t make this up and I never do so find out more next week when you tune in to my Blog…hey..you never know!

ROSH HOSHANA MAMA DRAMA!

Monday, September 6th, 2010

HELP!  I’m just getting adjusted to LA time, again after spending time in New York and suddenly it hits me:  IT’S ROSH HOSHANA!  I’m talking like…NOW!

Oh yeah, over the summer that’s all the moms talked about is how it’s so early and how that’s a good thing, etc. etc.  Well that was a dream because the nightmare is coming quicker than Hurricane Earl!  I have a day trip to Disneyland tomorrow and all I’m thinking is HOW AM I GOING TO PULL THIS OFF?!!!  I have no time for Minnie and Mickey and if Minnie is Jewish, she’s stressing out as much as the rest of us!

Obviously my upstairs insomniac neighbor is prepared, she’s been dragging furniture all through the night and day so perhaps I should hire HER to get my house in order!

Women have such responsibilities that sometimes go unappreciated.  It really isn’t that easy to get ready for such a big holiday right after summer vacation.  I still have sand in my shoes from Jersey and haven’t unpacked and the anxiety has reached a whole new level:  I’M DREAMING of Rosh Hashanah mishaps!  Women reading this will know what I’m talking about…you put up the chicken and when you go to check on it, the oven isn’t on.  You burn the brisket because you had the wrong range on high.  You forget to MAKE the matzo balls because you were concentrating so hard on getting the fat out of the chicken soup.  For Jewish women these dreams cause real anxiety!

Well, I’m done.  I’ll get through these next few days somehow, some way if someone let’s me borrow their “hooves” because trust me, after walking through Disneyland, I’m going to need them to prepare for Yuntif!

My biggest challenge is that this year I got the “good news” from my Temple that they are changing the High Holy Day Prayer books.  I just bought new ones LAST year! I’m hoping that the only change is in the font! Every year I’m convinced I’m going blind, as the print seems smaller and me being a three time Hebrew class dropout…I’m always behind everyone when we pray and of course, everybody always asks ME in the loudest whisper “WHAT PAGE ARE WE ON?”

As much as I kvetch I look forward to spending time with my family and friends and of course can always count on those extra pounds, which I convince myself will “evaporate” after Yom Kippur but there I go, dreaming again!

L’Shana Tovah to all my fans and readers.   A healthy and sweet New Year to each and every one of you!  That reminds me…. I forgot to put honey on my grocery list!

DON’T FORGET TO STAY TUNED TO “JAMES AND SUNDA” EVERY THURSDAY ON JEWISH LIFE TELVISION!  www.JLTV.tv

It’s been a loooong day!

Sunday, July 25th, 2010

I went to a birthday party for a 3 and 1 year old and I feel like I’m 90.  How do kids not get tired?  They don’t need Red Bull or coffee…just the anticipation for the birthday cake gets them going!  My kids go to Debbie Allen Dance Academy and it’s like a huge family.  My kids get away with nothing and everybody watches out for everybody’s kids.  Somehow I got bathroom duty.  I always get this job!  I was taking girls to the bathroom, making bathing suit changes and started thinking about the birthday cake, myself!  It was well worth waiting for!  I hate myself for not having a 4th piece!  Hey…you don’t get cake like this all the time…homemade and delicious!  It was so kind of Ms. Allen to host this party for two kids.  One was turning one and the other was turning 3 and I was turning to a crisp in the sun!  Now it’s time for bed so I will say good night to all of you and remember….parties are calories, too!  Remember that when you’re eating cake!

Enjoy what’s left of your summer!

s-

Tuesday, July 6th, 2010

SMOKE AND MIRRORS

I’m a “Jersey Girl” transplanted to LA.  Living in a perpetual state of  “culture shock.” We live in a predominately Iranian community…I’m cool with it.  In Jersey my friends are Linda, Faye, and  MaryEllen…here it’s Fariba, Mitra and Mahasti. Names, like Iranian culture is different from where I come from in Jersey.

In Jersey…you ask your neighbors to tone a party down after 2:00 AM and they’ll take it down a “notch.”  Here they continue to party…. even louder!    My Iranian friends have tried to help me with this cultural issue:    “Sunda Joon, Persians are FUN people!  You have to get to” know” them!”   Know them?  I LIVE with them! Believe me…they’re the closest group of people I know that look like me so they are my BFF’s here in LA!

My noisy neighbor is drilling, (hopefully it’s not a saw!) directly over my desk while playing Persian music…imagine how loud?  The “drilling”…. to cover the voice of the SINGER!  I try to be “Persian hip” but I’m “Jersey Square!”   Unlike the Bon Jovi “Jersey Sound” I grew up to, in my building where I live now the music sounds like somebody crying!  My friend further explains:  “Sunda, understand, we like music and stay up all night enjoying our friends! Before the Revolution we always partied hard! It’s not “personal!”

Fariba:   “With all due respect…. It IS personal! “DAYANU” with the noise!

Two Shabbats ago I’m jolted by the emergency loudspeaker:  THERE’S A FIRE!  TAKE THE STAIRS!! I woke my husband who immediately said: “It’s a party. Go to SLEEP!”    I opened my door, neighbors were running with pocketbooks, laptops and I’m thinking, they’ve got their  “real purses”…this is a REAL FIRE!   I didn’t even THINK of my pocketbook!!  I ran out with my kids, their coats and shoes…and a plastic hanger!  Don’t ask.

We come to an abrupt halt going down the stairwell.  An obviously shaken, older man is taking ONE STEP AT A TIME causing the delay. I give my kids to a neighbor and help this dude right away!  I think he’s going to fall!  Taking his left arm I’m leading him to the right from the center of the stairs so people can move on the left.  Looking closely at him I realize: OMG!  It’s “that” upstairs neighbor’s husband!  “I have to help him!  He’s alone!” I thought…but I was so wrong!

SHOCKER! His wife was already OUT of the stairwell! Note to men married to younger women:  They will leave your tuchus on the stairwell!

Helicopters, TV cameras are out…I’m FREAKING out! (No hair or make up person on set for me!) Smoke is pouring from the building and I’m screaming at the  “hottie firefighter” “GIVE ME THE HOSE!  YOU ARE WAY TOO SLOW!” So many firefighters….nobody moving!  Just swaggering, looking good.

Well this is only the beginning of my summer….Enjoy your summer! I know mine has already started…. I’m surrounded by smoke and mirrors!  Thanks for reading ‘Hoodzpah!  Only available at www.virtualerusalem.com

Victory….or not?

Friday, May 14th, 2010

Below is a Statement issued by the attorneys of the Plaintiffs who sued me sent to the “Today Show”. ( Talk about publicity hounds!)  Sent by:

Himelman, Wertheim & Geller, LLC.

Old Bridge, NJ

“Prior to initiating the lawsuit, my clients repeatedly asked Ms. Croonquist to refrain from identifying them by name and other personal information in her act and internet blogs; unfortunately, she refused.  At issue was her failure to use fictionalized names in her fictitious anecdotes and false statements, as is a common practice by entertainers. In my clients’ opinions, her disregard for their concerns is indicative of her desire to advance her career at their expense and sadly, has irreparably damaged the relationships between the families. Additionally, they believe that Ms. Croonquist continues to seek additional publicity at the expense of their privacy and to the detriment of the family, which is unfortunate.”

Can’t imagine what the LLC stands for…it should read LOL! Do these people REALLY think I’ve advanced my career at their expense? I DIDN’T marry into the Seinfeld family!  This statement is NOT true.  When did the “clients” repeatedly ask me to refrain from identifying them by name?  Not almost 14 years ago when we last were together laughing at a tape of my performance at my sister in law’s house…. well that’s when we were “talking.”

Could it have been at the last wedding…NO!  Wasn’t invited to that.  How about the last Bar Mitzvah?  NO!  They wouldn’t talk to my family and we were not asked to be in the photos nor were we invited to sit with them. Couldn’t be at Pesach. Never was  invited since my second child was born.

I’m receiving so many e-mails that I’m behind in my blogs! People ask: “WHO is your brother in law, why did HE sue you?  Why haven’t we EVER heard about him in the Act?” For once, I am baffled.

“…they believe Ms. Croonquist continues to seek additional publicity at the expense of their privacy and to the detriment of the family which is unfortunate.” Sorry to burst to mash their matzah balls but they WERE private until THEY publicly sued ME!  As Jews, they should be embarrassed.

I’ve received so much anti-Semitic mail: ”Jews sue!” “Jews love money” “Only Jews would do this!”  It has been a humiliating not a victorious year.  For those of you who saw the Today show, it’s interesting to note that this is the ONLY time a Statement has been issued. Why, now after the case is dismissed?

Three people suffered most: My mother in law who was dragged into this and her grandchildren, my daughters.  I lost work, was embarrassed and ONE call could have solved everything.  Note: They never call me Mrs. Sunda Zafrin in any of the legal paperwork…. they haven’t caught on:  I’M NOT GOING ANYWHERE!  SUNDA IS HERE TO STAY!  And I hope YOU stay!  Glued to SUNDALIVE where I tell you like it is…and like it was!  And it WAS one heck of a year!  Thank you all for your support!  PS:  I’ll keep you posted!

Exhaustion!

Saturday, April 17th, 2010

My neighbor upstairs has lost her mind! This time…with a hammer! I woke up today at 6:17 on a Saturday morning to hear her “hanging” something. I hope it wasn’t someBODY! This woman is definitely fodder for material but I can’t sleep and I have to tell you it must be some type of Iranian torture that they practice in Iran! She never sleeps and is too old to be on coke so I can’t figure out what her bag is! She turns on one bathtub…and then, the other. I wonder if she even bathes! I live in such a “high society” building that is full of old kooks! The management wants you to STAY HOME for WATER DELIVERIES! Everybody is retired or should be and like to have things to stay home to wait for during the day. I think they’re nuts and I wish they would stop bragging that Jim Nabors used to live here. I can understand bragging about Beyonce or even Sally Fields but it gets ridiculous. I promised one neighbor that I would blog about the antics for the frustrated KKK members that run the Home Owners Association. Being a Jew and Black … I’m a target but I’ve got something for them! I promise to give you more of an update in my life but right now, gotta get ready to go to the Laugh Factory to work….instead of reading this blog..you should be there too! Showtime is 8:00 PM and I’ll keep you posted with the Poisonous Persian Pig upstairs who can’t stop walking, pacing and dropping stuff on the floor all day and all night.

Hopefully, she’ll read this and like my In-laws will try to sue me…I will sell recordings of the noise she makes every night! This is one broad who should go back to where she came from…not Iran…a mental institution!

Enough for now…I want to take a nap! But now she’s playing Persian music….G-d help me! I wanna go back to Jersey!

later,

s

“Uncle Junie” You were always right and Rest in Peace!

Wednesday, March 31st, 2010

As everyone who knows me or my act remembers…my Uncle Junie was a part of my act as much as he was a part of my life.  I’m so saddened by his death as he was my mom’s only brother and whenever she was scared or sick, she called him.  I called him for everything and he always had an interesting take on life.  He taught me not to trust everyone so quickly and wow!  He was always right.  I don’t have time to go into this and I will at another time but how many tears can patter over a keypad before you no longer have the vision to type?

It’s just that bad.  Yes, Uncle Junie will forever remain in my heart and in my act.  Unlike my in-laws, he didn’t sue me for using him by name or identifying where he was from.  He was proud and flattered and disgusted that I was being sued by my husband’s family.  He told me something is wrong with them and to forget them and move on and so I have.  That is why I must move on and remember the good things in life and not those things that make you physically and mentally ill.  It’s just not worth it.

It’s Passover and with a grandmother who is still alive, my children enjoyed their Seder with memories of their grandmother’s cousin Cele.  It was she and not their grandmother who used to come out every Passover before she lost her battle with Cancer.  With G-d’s grace, they will forget the family that has chosen to forget them.  They will be so much better off in the end and I have to be strong like my Uncle Junie for as he said:  ”It’s family….no matter what!  For someone to go public like that to go out to get you, something must be wrong with them!”  I mention this only because it’s ironic that he passed away over Pesach and the memory of the stench of the lawsuit is also passing and that part of life feels good.

Uncle Junie, rest in peace.  You were so very young and it is too soon to say goodbye but G-d wants you with Him now so….the show must go on!

Thank you everyone for your food platters, cards and condolences.  As you all know …family means a lot to me and we’re a very close family on my side of the fence.  My heart goes out to my husband who has no one because he married the “wrong” girl.  We have our own family and his family has to deal with their humiliation that they brought upon themselves by suing me.  I’m sure this Pesach they are happy but I know in my heart of hearts that my mother in law is in pain.  She was dragged into this but…she’s a big girl and she should have said NO!  NO! NO!  She should only know what she is missing with my children, her grandchildren growing up beautiful and talented and it is her loss but….my gain!

Tune in to JLTV (Jewish Life Television) which is on Time Warner/Direct TV and see my new show:  ”The James and Sunda Show” with James Harris and America’s most loved daughter in law…ME!  The first episode I talk about my Uncle Junie as he was well at the time and you better believe had he lived to see it….he wouldn’t sue me!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter!  Enjoy life and avoid poisonous people.  Even if it’s family.  Thank G-d I have a great one!

Love to you, all!

Pesach Paranoia!

Saturday, March 27th, 2010

One more day before the cooking frenzy begins!  My kids are driving me crazy wanting to bake cakes and they KNOW it’s Passover!  No way can I handle it but I will!  I  have 31 people coming and no, I don’t live in a mansion but the beauty of love is that we will make it happy and fun for everyone!  My kids are the light of my life and the light of my pocketbook!!!!  They spend without realizing  how much they spend!  Aviva lost three pairs of ballet shoes in one month.  Actually, she told me she only lost ONE today, so it doesn’t count as a pair.  Anyway it still costs MONEY!   I could be buying a pair of shoes for me!  Oh, how selfish!  But better selfish than shoeless…that’s all I’m sayin’!

I haven’t written for a while because I am working on Virtual Jerusalem’s blog and was doing the Twitter Blog for Twitter Moms “Housewives of NY” so I’ve been busy but…I’m back!  Tonite at the Laugh Factory in Hollywood…8:00 PM.

BE THERE!  And I promise to be here, more for you!

Love to all of you!

Happy Passover and Happy Easter to all!

Back from Vacation…now I need one!

Sunday, January 17th, 2010

Travelling with kids is just wonderful these days! JOKE! The fact is that this is the Ultimate Reality Show that Hollywood is missing! For some reason children find other children while standing in line and suddenly…. it’s a play date!

My two daughters Aviva and Tovah ages 8 and 7 spot an adorable little girl in line wearing the same “Hello Kitty” jacket they’re wearing. Obviously this means something that silly adults like me don’t know about. She’s obviously a member of this secret club because I’m immediately informed that this is their new “friend” and they begin to play. We will call the new friend Cutie Pie which is short for: Cutie Pie with a Runny Nose!

Cutie Pie is wiping her faucet running nose with both hands and my daughters have decided that this means…. nothing! They are all holding hands….TOGETHER! Such great joy as everyone decides how WONDERFUL it is to see the children play…. TOGETHER! “And they don’t even know each other!” her adoring grandmother wistfully quips as her mind goes into REWIND: Possibly thinking of how nice it was when kids played with each other and not video games.

I remember that time, too but unlike Grandma, my mind is going into FAST FORWARD! My mind is playing tricks on me as I prognosticate the inevitable: I see my kids lying sick in bed for 3 days missing school and me sick in bed for 3 weeks missing performances! It’s hard to make people laugh when you’re sneezing in their faces. I’ve obviously been through it.

So graciously (as a comedian can be!) I offer Cutie Pie a tissue and immediately her mom jumps into action: “She doesn’t need a tissue! It’s not a cold, it’s “ALLERGIES!” In a matter of fact fashion, she reassures me: “You can tell…. because “it’s” clear.”

Water is clear, too but I’m not about to share my bottle with a stranger. A name that is unrecognizable comes over the loudspeaker…here’s my chance: “Come on! That’s us! Sorry, we have to go now ….maybe we’ll see you, next time!” The goodbyes begin as I hurl my kids to the bathroom to wash their hands.

We make it to the gate. We’re safe. At least for now…And I’m back from Cancun! I’ll have more to tell my wonderful fans Love to all you all!

SOMEBODY SAVE ME FROM MY NEIGHBOR!

Sunday, November 8th, 2009

I live beneath a madwoman who NEVER sleeps!  My kids don’t sleep because she up all times of night and I can’t concentrate and get my column out on time due to the fact I CAN’T SLEEP!

After a complaint to the front desk, she sent me a ranting raving letter that I had to share an excerpt!

“I must take prescription medication to calm my nerves for stress and anxiety and your intrusion into the quiet sleep I was enjoying caused me to experience heart palpitation and exacerbated my anxiety condition”

I read into that line as:  This “wench” is crazy!  SHE IS ALWAYS MOVING FURNITURE! She’s not sleeping!  Here is the scary paragraph:

“We acknowledge that you are a world famous comedian and enjoy making disparaging remarks about others, including your mother in law.  We ask that you not make the contents of this letter the subject of your comedic routine to gain laughs from your audience at our expense.”

You, the audience, my readers…. enjoy the laughs…please!  At her expense!

Here’s the deal:  I’m from Jersey so we walk around in “slippers”, preferably fuzzy ones with bunny ears.  She’s from Iran and has the illusion that she is in a palace and wears clickity click high heels like she’s going to the King’s Ball.  We are clearly different but…Jersey girls don’t back off and I’m getting ready to let it roll!

Clickity Click neighbor started with “furniture moving” at 6:11 AM today.  This is a crazy day for me.  Both daughters have gymnastic competitions AND it’s Tovah’s 7th birthday party.  I ask her what she wants for her birthday and she tells me she wishes “Grandma could be here.”  ”But she can’t!” (I think in my best Bette Davis impersonation) Because…. she is suing your mommy for making mother in law jokes!

Between “Balloon Boy”,  my mother in law and Clickity Click upstairs, I think it’s time for me to take a vacation from the madness.  I’d LOVE to go to Israel…one of the few places where I slept like a baby!  Nothing bothered me and my friends from Jersey were totally freaked out!  They were saying things like:  It’s DANGEROUS over there.  WRONG!  It’s dangerous driving down the New Jersey Turnpike!  I love Israel and can’t wait to go back.  The last time I was there I went to an Arab bazaar and got into a fight with a dude who ripped me off on my tee shirt deal.  He told me three for $10.00 US and packed only two in my bag.  I came back after him the next day, my husband told me I was crazy.  I may be but I got my third tee shirt because I’m that compelling!  Hopefully, so compelling you will come back and read my blog again and have patience as it’s so hard to get anything done with the kids competitions, their dance and voice classes and of course, my legal issues with my loving in-laws.

Now if any of you guys have any suggestions about this luna-chick who lives upstairs from me, please send them in.  I’m open to all suggestions. The WORST part of the letter is that she asked me not to talk to her when I see her.   NOBODY WANTS TO TALK TO HER!  Her breath is so bad, the hair stands up on my lip when she says  ”Hello!”   G-d give me strength! Don’t let her say ANYTHING with the letter H!  Hummus included!

BTW, she warned me that if I use her in my Act, she’ll take “Action”.  If she wants to sue, she better get in line:  behind my brother-in-law, my mother in law and my sister in law!  Line ’em up!

Remember to tune into Virtual Jerusalem.com and read my column there.  Sometimes it’s the same as my blog but hey….a sistah gotta save some time to get her hair “did”!  Love to you, all!